The Story of the Naming "Long Island"

Gun Gale Online, October 2, 2022

With thorough research befitting of this publication, The Gun Gale Online, our investigators have unearthed never-before-told facts about the mystical and elusive “LONG ISLAND” located in New York State, in the United States of America, also known as the USA, America, or the Fat Lands.

This story begins with a tragedy. The island once belonged to America’s native population, long before colonization occurred and thus before America was given its loving nickname “The Fat Lands.” To current Long Island “natives” (quotation marks used to indicate extremely negative meaning), Lon-Guyland’s rich history prior to their worldly introduction is largely unknown to them (we have here, at the Gun Gale Online, extensively documented the history of the Lenape people in Long Island).

Casting the native population aside, the new inhabitants of Long Island thought they were “onto” something when they entered Long Island and had thoughts about everything. Most of them were bad.

These thoughts even wandered to developing their “own name” for the strip of land they now found themselves on. This name was first “The Rod” (1524), “bestowed” upon the island by an Italian named Giovanni. The Gun Gale Online maintains a low opinion of Giovanni, just as his crewmates had when they scrapped “The Rod” altogether and replaced it with “The Stick.” Legend has it that Giovanni’s horrendous naming convention was so dreadful that the renaming was documented in the Library of Alexandria II under the title “Italian Roughhousing: Mutiny of 1524” written by Paulo Coralho. There were no survivors. This is interesting to the Gun Gale Online’s research team because the semantic difference between “The Rod” and “The Stick” remains in about the same ballpark, according to standards set by the Oxford Underground Lime-Licking Society. We are not affiliated with this “organization.”

It is worth noting at this point that several names for the Island were given by the indigenous population, most notably Sewanhaka. It is unknown why this name was not retained over the coming years, but it is theorized by several experts in the trade that European tongues were too flat and lacked the moisture necessary to pronounce the name as eloquently as was needed. Due to this conundrum, the name “Garblaxo” was proposed by famous settler and explorer Henry the Hudson, though we do not often include the “the” in his name in the modern era. This unfortunate omission (documented in the Grand Codex of Important Events, located in the Library of Alexandria III) was akin to a mass linguistic extinction of sorts, brought about by tension between the tectonic plates in the Pacific region and the Antarctic peoples, a battle that was ultimately won by stargazer Nook Mahuru, who interestingly enough had a say in the naming of the island as well: “IMPLOSIFY COME.” This particular transcription of the name, however, is now thought to be erroneous by historians everywhere. Henry the Hudson’s “Garblaxo” was a suitable compromise between the many native names for the island and the wishes of the Hudson’s trusty crewmates but one bad apple spoils the bunch and Henry the Hudson was known not to forgive. Henry the Hudson would later die of his injuries in the Great Big Atlantic Ocean (all capitalized out of respect to Hudson’s adversaries and friends alike) but it is often repeated that the Hudson disappeared. This is categorically and materially untrue, as records exist in both the Libraries of Alexandria II and V about the circumstances regarding this quote-unquote disappearance.

A false history about the origin of the specific name “Long Island” has been carefully concocted by ocean dwellers down South of the Rivers Nile and Ural (see: the Koikis alien settlements) involving Dutch explorer Adriaen Block, who “““discovered””” that the island he would name “‘t Lange Eylandt” was an island (several quotation marks in an effort to turn the word into an “island” of its own). There is no resemblance between the Dutch “‘t Lange Eylandt” and the English “Long Island,” confirming the Gun Gale Online’s suspicions that this likening is a sorry attempt at mending Dutch-English relations. The explanation is far simpler. The name Long Island is derived from Henry the Hudson’s ghost making his journey across the island, who notably remarked that the island is “somewhat like a fish, very cylindrical, very tubular, also radical […] and as ‘cool’ radicals remarketh… the apples that squish may be flattened widthwise and scuttled widdershins, revealing a rather long, island-like nucleus” (Smargenson, if.ib.1728,89 n/p Lib. of Alexandria XXVIII). Dedicated researchers for the Gun Gale Online took notice of the Hudson’s usagance (pronounced usage-ance, rare: less than 1% chance of appearing in Oxford Dict.) of “apples” and “flattened,” acknowledging that pressed apples were a common metaphor for ancient Play-Doh in the 16th and 18th centuries; “long island” therefore derived from the most common shape sculpted from the material. This final name, now adopted by dwellers local and haters worldwide, is a rather miserable creation that lacks respect for a rich history left behind by important people. Researchers at the Library of Alexandria Redux (formerly Library of Alexandria IV) believe an important lesson underlies the the Hudson saga: if your enemies outlast you, they will definitely find a way to put your name to shame. This article has been brought to you by the Gun Gale Online.