Viral trends on social media go “viral.” Young pilots, congregating and sharing trade secrets on popular social networking service “G-Up” (as referenced in obsolete street slang “G-uppin’ seventy longhorns” and known by its infamous slogan “Snakes up there don’t bite down there.”) and TikTok had recently kickstarted a new fashion trend, taking the world of haute couture by storm: “Mole Suits.” The term supposedly originates from a 1960s era pilot’s manual, in which newly licensed pilots are jokingly instructed to “mole about the yaw” when taking off on their first flight.

“Mole Suits” generally take on mole-like aesthetics, often using moleskin substitutes like bleached polyester and polyethylene terephthalate rather than “the jajjed stuff” out of both cruelty and cost concerns. Though “Mole Suits” had originally been of a more freeform nature, with early adopters and trendsetters demonstrating variance—one TikTok user, for example, vomited on his shirt and called it a “soiled mole suit” and another stitched together sandalwood body armor, setting off a microtrend within the “Mole Suit” community dedicated to wooden variants. As the sensation was picked up by airplane enthusiasts, sailors, and civil engineers, “Mole Suits” became a more rigid form of fashion and is now widely regarded as “what makes one feel like a mole,” which is, to be frank, a far more narrow category than one may imagine.

However, “Mole Suits” will no longer be “fun and games.” A recent study conducted by a prestigious university (tuition $75k+/yr with a pandemic tax) has shown that there is an alarming correlation between wearing “Mole Suits” and developing symptoms of a rare sneezing disease. Using five hundred test subjects, the administrators of the study “strongly believe” that the findings can be reproduced. Detractors and apostates argue that the “only reason” these findings were as alarming as they are is because “Mole Suit” enthusiast and figurehead jonk82soupem frequently invites other “Molesuitters” to their apartment and was once known to be the “only one,” according to one scientist, with this deadly disease. An independent Gun Gale Online researcher investigated the claim and believes that this is “probably true” but “forgot to look more into it” because a “big Molesuitter invited her to the Big Mole Suit Bash” on “Nolan Street” and she “can’t miss it.”

These findings come as a great concern to those worried about the novel coronavirus. Though we frequently advise following trusted medical advice, our researcher believes that those concerned should run ahead of the curve and take precautionary measures. “You don’t want to be caught sneezing like a mole in broad daylight,” she sagely advises.

“First and foremost, if you are going to sneeze, you better sneeze in your basement.”
Aside from the basement, alternatives such as a cellar, a snack bag, or a dirty bathroom are likely “suitable,” though not absolutely recommended. The rationale is intuitive; all of these places provide reasonable doubt on whether you sneezed in the first place.

Prevention, however, comes first. “Block your sneeze at all costs,” our researcher, who prefers not to be named, says to do before things get out of hand. Aside from performing a particular maneuver that effectively turns a sneeze into a hiccup, she recommends sleep medication. “Not the kind they sell in a pharmacy,” she strongly warns, but the kind that “moles are often used to.” A rather unknown remedy is “grass churning,” or what moles do in the hypothetical scenario they take flight. “Why, it’s because moles have not yet reached the evolutionary stage where they can fly at will. It is a state that can only be artificially induced by taping a mole down to the front of an airplane, which we consider unethical. By today’s standards,” explains Ted Boosey, a local “Mole Skin” enthusiast working at the corner store who had been consulted while writing this article. He insists that it’s “simply hypothesis” that grass churning works, but that journalistic integrity should determine whether we publish his insight or not. (Don’t worry, Ted. We don’t steal.)

Symptoms have been difficult to identify. Sneezing is an unconfirmed symptom of the disease. This is a developing story. More information will included in a separate article.