Ayami Nishiori (?cm ?kg)
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National catastrophe: Maisuradze goober influence spreads across nation

Katami Fukie 2019年5月16日 14時24分

Georgian terrorist Demetre Maisuradze continues to expand his influence over the nation as he moves west with his goobers, local West Virginian news reports. We at Gun Gale Online have carefully tracked the Maisuradze case in person, interviewing witnesses of Maisuradze’s acts of terror. Reports allege his using a self-dubbed “touch of bogus” to scare away observers from crime scenes, threatening to “touch by force.”

“He stand there with them big claw hands. Fingers covered in goober like you won’t believe. ’s nastay,” muses a disgusted witness who wished to remain anonymous. The witness proceeded to ask about my lunch after detailing his successes in catching lobsters.

Maisuradze recently caught the attention of the media after an explosive interview with the President of the United States. Disguised as David Brody, Maisuradze stunned the nation after violently pulling out his goobers and aiming them at the president, creating an uproar in the once-safe Oval Office. Maisuradze narrowly escaped White House security and police intervention by escaping through an air vent, often cited as his “magnum opus” by fanatics.

Whether Maisuradze should be labelled a terrorist has sparked great debate. “Goober spreading isn’t as bad as they make it out to be,” explains Maisuradzist Kelly Spina. “Call me a radical, but I admire his methods.” Other supporters question his intentions, instead citing his acts of terror as artistry. Nick Boynton, 92, claims “dirtying the pistons was something [I] used to do in my thirties.” He goes on to boast about his venereal achievements for the next ten minutes.

Worries stirring among anti-Maisuradzists stem from the normalization of goobers. “This is an act of terror. I strongly condemn the horrific ideas being perpetrated by Maisuradzists,” declares Pyotr Malkovych, President of the None-Goobers-For-None Association (NGFNA). “In disastrous times like these, I must remind our people that we are an honest, moral, God-loving nation. Sick pro-goober ideas plague the bedrock that our nation is founded upon.”

“I just don’t see the big deal. It’s just goobers. Touch. That’s it,” complains an exasperated Jerry Mongrel, a war veteran. Please note that Gun Gale Online does not condone Jerry Mongrel’s sentiment.

Witnesses of Maisuradze’s attacks often question whether these acts of terrorism, something Chinese political scientist Tsing-Yung Wong dismisses as possible brainwashing. He notes one particular witness account: “I remember standing under the big willow tree with Greta, sharing a... romantic moment with her. All of a sudden, a disheveled figure emerged from the bushes. I remember he had big greasy eyes, but they were so... enrapturing. He began talking to us about who knows what. But he wasn’t really talking to us. He was talking to me. And I was engrossed. But then, he pulled out his goobers. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t react. I just froze. And he touched me with his goobers. I was horrified, but enamored by the man. Mmmm... I remember I tasted my goobers later that night and thought... ’well, this isn’t that bad.’ Mmmm... I sorta wanna do it right now.”

Analysts predict that Maisuradze’s trek across the nation will further incite discussion over the illegality of goober spreading. These projections (performed by Gun Gale Online’s best) set Maisuradze’s next goober attack in North Carolina, the heart of the United States.